Improve your sex life with kegel repetitions

Last time we checked in on Lucas and Tracy, they agreed that their sex "sucked," that Lucas would not watch porn for a month, that Tracy would try to have sex with the lights on, and that each of them would work on ways to build an erotic culture for their relationship. The summer put a wrench into our schedule and created a 90 day gap since our last session. We had a lot of catching up to do.

We spent the first half of the session bringing everyone up to speed. Lucas found that after 30 days without porn his perception of it had changed; he found the images "a bit disgusting but still hot, instead of just hot." I could not tell if this was sincere or if this was an effort on his part to mollify Tracy. Tracy found that initiating sex was frustrating; Lucas could not get an erection when she initiated sex. "I finally work up the courage to give him a blow job and his dick just won't get hard. I felt humiliated and fat." Ninety days is a long time.

We revisited the pornography issue. Tracy is not interested in supporting Lucas' interest in porn because "I can't be like those girls. I can't just climax over and over like that." Lucas doesn't want to give porn up because it is a source of sexual satisfaction for him. The topic of orgasms came up and we discussed it. Reliable male orgasm is much easier to achieve from a couple's perspective. Reliable female orgasm is the Holy Grail. Tracy does not drop the word "climax" lightly. She blushed. This was An Issue. Lucas was almost silent on the topic of female orgasm, also blushing.

I had an understanding at this point, a clarity of vision: Lucas was watching porn not only to release his own sexual energy, but also to learn how to have good sex. Tracy couldn't stand porn because it represents the ultimate sexual experience, one she could never have because she does not have a perfect body and cannot orgasm on demand. All the other issues pivoted around Lucas and Tracy's ideas of what successful sex looked like. For both of them, porn sex represented the ideal sexual experience. They had been imprinted to think porn sex was the best sex. I shared this idea with them. I thought it was a break through. This was old news to them.

Lucas: Well sure, I want to be like those guys. Rock hard all the time, know just how to make her orgasm.
Tracy: The porn stars, they are really good at sex. That, and they have perfect bodies and multiple orgasms. I can't move like that.

We all then agreed that the most important part of sex for both of them was the orgasm. They both wanted one. "At least one," Tracy added. And then, beep beep beep, the timer went off and we had to wrap up. I assigned homework. First, I asked Lucas to limit his porn watching to these two sites: I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony. I Shot Myself features erotic self portraits where the subject must be holding the camera herself. Beautiful Agony has head shots and short video clips of people having orgasms. Second, I asked them both to start doing kegels in preparation for our next session, where we will be discussing how to create reliable orgasms for both of them.

UPDATE 09.02.08
The websites were a hit, and Lucas and Tracy asked for more of the same.
Per Lucas, "Just as good as regular porn, but I don't feel guilty."
Per Tracy, "They are real!"

I've recommended the following:

• I Feel Myself: Shorts of women masturbating. Great instructional site for men!
• Hippie Goddess: Presents as a site featuring unshaven women, but is also one of the few sites on the net that features images of women with imperfectly beautiful bodies.

Creating an erotic culture for your relationship

Lucas and Tracy have hired me to help them re-establish their intimate relationship. Their homework from last time was as follows.
Tracy: Find three porn clips you could watch with Lucas.
Lucas: Find three ways to show Tracy you love her body.

Tracy tried to complete her homework, but could not find any porn that worked for her. "It's all so stupid." What she did bring were some arty erotic photographs that she found at a library book sale. She did not, however, feel that they added to her erotic culture or her arousal. Lucas was unmoved by the images Tracy brought, but was very impressed that she was thinking sexy thoughts.

I asked Tracy how Lucas did with his homework, showing her that he loves her body. Tracy blushed. Lucas squirmed. I was very curious!
"Well?" I asked.
"Well, he did it." Tracy answered.

Apparently, he did it in spades. He called her 10 times a day, at least, and mentioned a specific body part and specifically what he wanted to do with it. Tracy liked this, but it made her uncomfortable when he called her at work.
"Calling her at work was my favorite." Lucas grinned.

I asked them if their physical intimacy had a different quality, which they both agreed it did not. I asked them if they were feeling sexual chemistry between them. Vigorous affirmative nods all around.
"But the sex still sucks." Lucas says, flatly.

They still had a lot of tension surrounding Lucas's viewing of porn.
"It hurts me so much knowing that he is watching those young girls. And the stuff they do is so humiliating."
"I only want to watch the... you know, the fucking parts."
"Yeah, but you watch all the stuff leading up to that, too."
"That's true."
"And all the girls are so young."
"That's true. What should I do? I don't want to stop watching. Do I have to stop watching?"

Tracy felt very strongly that he should not watch the type of porn he generally watches. Lucas was angry about this and several minutes of back and forth followed. Tracy feels pressured to become younger and more wild in bed, Lucas feels pressured to stop watching porn that he enjoys. Judgment and anger around this issue flows both ways. I asked Tracy to use the Magic Wand. The Magic Wand is a coaching technique I use to help a person focus on attainable solutions. The Magic Wand can only perform one trick, and it has to be theoretically possible.

Tracy: I would use my wand to make Lucas stop wanting to watch porn.
Lucas: I would use my wand to make Tracy feel comfortable with the lights on.
Me: You can only use the wand on yourself.
Tracy and Lucas: Oh.

Tracy: I would use my wand to make myself so sexy that Lucas would want only me.
Lucas: I would use my wand to make this all go away so I can go back to fucking my wife in peace.

This broke the tension, we had a good laugh, and discussed some very important differences in the way that males vs. females experience arousal. As a very general rule, women associate arousal with feelings of safety, security, commitment, and body-insecurity. Men, generally, associate arousal with feelings of immediacy, release, freedom, and performance anxiety. Lucas and Tracy agreed that they had similar feelings.

I pointed out that Lucas is implying that if Tracy was comfortable with the lights on, he would no longer "need" porn. Was this true?
"No," he said, "I would still watch porn."

I pointed out that Tracy is implying that Lucas's porn watching is responsible for her feelings of body insecurity, and that she would feel better about her body if he stopped watching porn. Was this true?
"No," she said, "I felt bad about my body before I knew he watched porn, so no, the two are not related."

According to Tracy, Lucas not watching porn was "extremely" important to her. Lucas says watching porn is "pretty" important to him, but not "extremely" important. I suggested that as they heal their sexual relationship, he avoid porn. Not forever, just for now. Just until our next meeting in about three weeks.
"It would really mean a lot to me, " Tracy added.
Lucas agreed, with a very loving look toward his wife, not to watch porn until our next meeting.
"OK. I think I can make it until then, but not past that, OK?"

We spent the rest of the session discussing how to build erotic culture into their relationship. The sexy phone calls were a good step. What are some other possible steps? We brainstormed, and came up with the following homework.

Tracy: Initiate sex at least one time between today and our next session; try to leave a dim light on during sex this month.
Lucas: Not watch porn; find other ways (besides sexy phone calls) to show Tracy he loves her body.

Next session we'll check in on the erotic culture they are building, and discuss specific sexual techniques that build body-love for Tracy and performance-security for Lucas.

He said/She said: Porn lets me watch/watching porn is weird

Lucas and Tracy have hired me to help them re-establish their intimate relationship. Last week, they each wrote down their summation of the "problem."

Tracy writes, I feel the problem is Lucas prefers to masturbate with pornography than have sex with me.

Lucas writes, The problem is that we are no good at being into sex together.

Today, Lucas and Tracy tried to find some common ground. Lucas shared that what he liked most about pornography is that he can watch the sex acts, explicitly, which is a very erotic experience for him. Specifically, he likes to see bouncing breasts and penis/vagina penetration. Tracy shared that she was most hurt by Lucas being aroused by women who were younger and had better bodies than she did. Specifically, she feels inadequate and ashamed when compared to an 18 year old.

The one thing they can both agree on is that the sex they have together basically sucks. For both of them, masturbating is far more satisfying than having sex with one another. Common ground is the best place to start, even if it is negative common ground, and we spent the session discussing why their sexual relationship is so unsatisfying. I asked them each to write down one sentence that summed up why the sex was so disappointing.

Lucas writes:
I can't see anything and I can't stay hard when I can't watch and I can't tell Tracy I want to turn on the lights.

Tracy writes:
Is he thinking about me or his weird porn?

It became clear that Tracy was deeply wounded, personally, by Lucas's viewing of porn. And Lucas was deeply wounded, personally, that Tracy was judging his fetish (viewing penis/vagina penetration up close). Until those wounds were addressed, they would not be able to move into sexy-space with one another. She was morally offended by the age of the porn-stars and felt this indicated some kind of pedophilia or other weirdness in Lucas. Lucas countered with the fact that he does not like to look at whole bodies- just the point of penetration- and he can't even tell how old the girls are. Then there was some silence, except for the blowing of noses.

This is where I jumped on my soap box and backed up Tracy's position. It is, I think, a grave error to condition ourselves to be aroused exclusively by young bodies. Most mainstream porn features 18-23 year old women. The age range for the men is much larger. But the women are, almost always, very young. The resultant feeling of inadequacy that women over 30 feel is quite justified. The message is that only young bodies are sexy, which is NOT true. Not to mention that much mainstream porn confuses images of rape, pain, and degradation with images of real female pleasure. I also pulled out my fetish soap box, and explained to Tracy that just as she had her own sexual preferences (lace bras are a necessary part of her masturbation routine), Lucas does also (watching genitals during intercourse). Giving our partner permission to explore their "hot spot" is a necessary step towards real intimacy.

Tracy does not have an issue with porn, per se, but with porn that features women hotter than her. This is a common response. Lucas doesn't care about the age of the women, and just wants to see what he wants to see. This is also a typical response. Neither Lucas nor Tracy minded that the other masturbated (Lucas even suggested that watching Tracy masturbate may be exciting) but the how was very important to Tracy: not with images of younger women.

With this in mind, I gave them homework.
Tracy's homework: find 3 porn clips that you would feel comfortable watching with Lucas.
Lucas's homework: find 3 ways to show Tracy you love her body.

My husband is more interested in porn than in me. What do I do?

I have recently started a coaching program with Lucas and Tracy. They have agreed to let me document their sexual evolution process, names changed to protect the innocent and all that.

Tracy came to me when she discovered her husband's porn stash on the computer. Until this moment, he had never shared his interest in pornography with her. It was an unsettling surprise and they sought marital counseling. After 15 authorized visits, the counselor sent Lucas to a brief pornography addiction program (3 or 4 nights total), encouraged Tracy to lose some weight, and sent them on their way. By the time our first session rolled around they had not been physically intimate in over a year.

Our first session was devoted to defining the problem. At the end of our session, I asked each of them to write down what they felt the problem was.

Tracy writes, I feel the problem is Lucas prefers to masturbate with pornography than have sex with me.

Lucas writes, The problem is that we are no good at being into sex together.

Our next session will focus on discussing the differences and similarities in their views of the situation.