Creating an erotic culture for your relationship

Lucas and Tracy have hired me to help them re-establish their intimate relationship. Their homework from last time was as follows.
Tracy: Find three porn clips you could watch with Lucas.
Lucas: Find three ways to show Tracy you love her body.

Tracy tried to complete her homework, but could not find any porn that worked for her. "It's all so stupid." What she did bring were some arty erotic photographs that she found at a library book sale. She did not, however, feel that they added to her erotic culture or her arousal. Lucas was unmoved by the images Tracy brought, but was very impressed that she was thinking sexy thoughts.

I asked Tracy how Lucas did with his homework, showing her that he loves her body. Tracy blushed. Lucas squirmed. I was very curious!
"Well?" I asked.
"Well, he did it." Tracy answered.

Apparently, he did it in spades. He called her 10 times a day, at least, and mentioned a specific body part and specifically what he wanted to do with it. Tracy liked this, but it made her uncomfortable when he called her at work.
"Calling her at work was my favorite." Lucas grinned.

I asked them if their physical intimacy had a different quality, which they both agreed it did not. I asked them if they were feeling sexual chemistry between them. Vigorous affirmative nods all around.
"But the sex still sucks." Lucas says, flatly.

They still had a lot of tension surrounding Lucas's viewing of porn.
"It hurts me so much knowing that he is watching those young girls. And the stuff they do is so humiliating."
"I only want to watch the... you know, the fucking parts."
"Yeah, but you watch all the stuff leading up to that, too."
"That's true."
"And all the girls are so young."
"That's true. What should I do? I don't want to stop watching. Do I have to stop watching?"

Tracy felt very strongly that he should not watch the type of porn he generally watches. Lucas was angry about this and several minutes of back and forth followed. Tracy feels pressured to become younger and more wild in bed, Lucas feels pressured to stop watching porn that he enjoys. Judgment and anger around this issue flows both ways. I asked Tracy to use the Magic Wand. The Magic Wand is a coaching technique I use to help a person focus on attainable solutions. The Magic Wand can only perform one trick, and it has to be theoretically possible.

Tracy: I would use my wand to make Lucas stop wanting to watch porn.
Lucas: I would use my wand to make Tracy feel comfortable with the lights on.
Me: You can only use the wand on yourself.
Tracy and Lucas: Oh.

Tracy: I would use my wand to make myself so sexy that Lucas would want only me.
Lucas: I would use my wand to make this all go away so I can go back to fucking my wife in peace.

This broke the tension, we had a good laugh, and discussed some very important differences in the way that males vs. females experience arousal. As a very general rule, women associate arousal with feelings of safety, security, commitment, and body-insecurity. Men, generally, associate arousal with feelings of immediacy, release, freedom, and performance anxiety. Lucas and Tracy agreed that they had similar feelings.

I pointed out that Lucas is implying that if Tracy was comfortable with the lights on, he would no longer "need" porn. Was this true?
"No," he said, "I would still watch porn."

I pointed out that Tracy is implying that Lucas's porn watching is responsible for her feelings of body insecurity, and that she would feel better about her body if he stopped watching porn. Was this true?
"No," she said, "I felt bad about my body before I knew he watched porn, so no, the two are not related."

According to Tracy, Lucas not watching porn was "extremely" important to her. Lucas says watching porn is "pretty" important to him, but not "extremely" important. I suggested that as they heal their sexual relationship, he avoid porn. Not forever, just for now. Just until our next meeting in about three weeks.
"It would really mean a lot to me, " Tracy added.
Lucas agreed, with a very loving look toward his wife, not to watch porn until our next meeting.
"OK. I think I can make it until then, but not past that, OK?"

We spent the rest of the session discussing how to build erotic culture into their relationship. The sexy phone calls were a good step. What are some other possible steps? We brainstormed, and came up with the following homework.

Tracy: Initiate sex at least one time between today and our next session; try to leave a dim light on during sex this month.
Lucas: Not watch porn; find other ways (besides sexy phone calls) to show Tracy he loves her body.

Next session we'll check in on the erotic culture they are building, and discuss specific sexual techniques that build body-love for Tracy and performance-security for Lucas.